Revelations in Parenting

While shopping the other day I observed a kid, probably five years old or so, running through the aisles and knocking merchandise from the shelves. I thought to myself, What the hell… The parent yelled at the kid, and told him to “Wait until we get home!” Leaving me to wonder, what that entailed.
See this is where it starts. It’s not society as a whole. It’s not the schools. It’s not the music or the television. If you subscribe to any of that, you are wrong. In many cases, it can’t help-- I’ll give you that, but it’s not the source. It’s parenting. It’s the deterioration of what parenthood has become in modern times. Parenthood is not just the result of sex, it’s much more than that. It’s a complete change in the direction of your life; it’s no longer about you it’s about them. It’s about the acceptance in a paradigm shift.
I’ve only been a parent now for a little over 3 years, and in many cases that doesn’t qualify someone as a professional. It does, however, represent experience. Whether or not you agree with that being enough to speak on the matter, I’ll leave that up to you. One thing for sure, I’m far from being the perfect parent. That’s another diatribe for another day. So often we get caught up in the now and lose sight of the later. I had to learn, like so many, that I am now an enabler for good or bad. For better, and for worse. . .
It’s so often kids are slapped, or spanked for speaking out of line or misbehaving or otherwise being a kid. We are teaching, and they are learning. Lesson: violence is the answer. When you’re frustrated it’s okay to hit. If you don’t have an answer, use your physicality.
Some parents drag their children out to see late night movies, or unacceptably violent films. The other day I went to see a “Grindhouse” inspired film Machete, where in the first five minutes of the film there are multiple decapitations, and an abundance of gore. The theater I was in had many children watching, observing, and absorbing this story about a Mexican policeman turned vigilante. Lesson learned, there isn’t a difference between what a child should see and an adult. No distinction between the cold and vicious world, and the innocence of a child. (Again, the movie is not why I mentioned this—it’s the parental choice being made to allow their children to watch it.)
I know, how dare me judge other parents. But when you make a decision some well thought out, and others perfunctory in nature-- you are authoring a narrative that your children live in. In every story the experiences both momentary and profound have resonance with the characters. Every decision, or action—lessons learned. It’s been said, parenting is an experiment in folly. I’m a strongly against spanking my children, yet the other night I caught myself put a little whooping on my son’s posterior for doing something repeatedly after being admonished. I had to collect myself, not in temperament but in recognition of the fact that I did what I did. Even though, the spanking was mild in nature, it was unequivocally physical. Afterward, I was able to assert my control of the situation, and maintain my stance even though I lost my senses for a split second. I learned from that very moment.
This is not a declaration of what is right, or what is wrong. It is however a recognition, or better yet a revelation that I have had about myself. One that I hope more parents would have before it is too late. The human mind is highly complex, and the child’s psyche can be delicate and frail. Do not take your actions lightly. When your kid is bad, and tearing up the store or just being downright ornery. Don’t accept that, and promise them something if they improve their behavior. Improve, is that what’s okay these days? Think about it, so often we wonder why criminals keep falling back into the same behaviors. Why in relationships we seem so willing to accept abuse? Why so many kids drop out of school? Or engage in reckless behavior. . .
It’s not supernatural. It’s the patterns so intricate and woven into their very being. Where behavior is only relevant in the future and discipline is only delved out at our convenience. The back of the hand is easier in lieu of a conversation. Kids are told to “shut-up” and are better pacified with candy or video-games so we don’t inconvenience our lives.
It’s been said, that in parenting you should just “do your best”. True. I agree wholeheartedly and personally subscribe to that. I only contend that some parent’s version of “best” is not acceptable. It’s a gesture to make them feel better about being selfish and shortsighted. Parenting is selfless, and quite often inconvenient. I believe despite all of that, it’s tremendously rewarding. Some children make it out just fine, others don’t. That’s a question better phrased as nature versus nurture. The fact that the argument has never been put to rest, that I know of, is a testament to the very complexity of parenting. I can’t imagine that the lazy, feckless, shiftless youth of today are the result of a reverse Darwinism. That we are destined to become, like characterized in the little seen film by Mike Judge Idiocracy, a society of imbeciles.
Let’s just hope that isn’t true. Then, if x doesn’t equal y, then what does x equal? How do we overcome this rot? Where do we go from here? Bad parenting isn’t illegal as long as it’s not neglect.
As a gardener fertilizes his land, nourishes his crop, we control the ultimate demise of a generation. Or the prosperity mankind. The task is arduous. We must stay the course, and try to get better every day. I hope to give my daughter the fairytale, and my son the dream. These are the hopes of all fathers, and I pray that I can provide for them the opportunity for greatness.