It’s been almost 7 months since Jo Ellen Ryan, my wonderful mother shed her human skin and transcended life on this spec in the universe. I, unlike many people I care about, am not certain of much. Especially what happens after we leave earth. I find myself constantly doubting what is and isn’t. I do know that she has taken on a new mythic like role in my life. All mother’s have that ability on sons and daughters. Her imprint on me is both visible and deeply buried in my psyche. I imagine it’s that way for others, we are just unaware of this feeling for most of our lives. Until it is often too late.
I often think about her, and what she would be doing right this moment if it wasn’t for cancer. I know this time last year she was just starting to enjoy her new life with her husband Don. They lived the best kind of life— an uncomplicated one. One that was full of quiet moments together, talking and getting to know each other. Sharing stories of their lives and how it formed the world weary adults they grew to become. They shared politics, and views on how people should both take responsibility for themselves as well as how we should all take care of each other. I doubt they talked much of religion but they had a deep abiding respect for each others views. I imagine today they would have went to get breakfast together or lunch, at one of their favorite restaurants. Mom was adventurous about trying new things, and seeing unique places. I know they would be out enjoying this weather, and taking in the day savoring each moment like a sip of a fine red wine. Don has become a part of our family, and us his. That is one of the good things to come out of all of this. My children have really grown close to him, and interact with him as if they’ve always known him. My heart is imbued with sadness for him. I can’t imagine losing a person that was so instrumental in my day-to-day life as he has. We are all sad, and affected by this year and what she had to go through in her last breathing moments. I imagine his pain is much different. I hope he knows that he doesn’t have to be lonely, and that just like his blood family we think about him everyday and look forward to our next day together.
The way my life has changed is hard to say. In some ways, life just goes on. We are all here for a ride, sometimes it’s bumpy. On many days it’s slow and routine. I have wondered what my loved ones would do when I died. I’m sure they would be sad. There’s no doubt. I wouldn’t surround myself with people that didn’t feel that way about me. However, after a few days or weeks, life would go on. I guess that is what we would want for them right. We want to have a legacy, and enrich the lives of all that we have come in contact with in some form or fashion. I know that is what she wanted. I would never have characterized my mother as brave for most of her life. My opinion was forever changed after this year. Those final days were full of hope, and then stark realizations that we have very little influence on what happens and what doesn’t. It was truly a trying moment for the soul. My sister and I grew closer in those days. I know that made mom happy. Even when she wasn’t coherent in her thoughts, and words, I know that she was thankful for the life she had lived, and the grace that she had been given. If she was angry, I didn’t know. She was always happy to see us, and deeply resolute in where she was headed. Even when no one was sure what the next day looked like, she was okay with that.
Aubrey, Liam, and Dylan lost their “Nana”. I know that is a tragedy. Mom was a great, Grandmother. She spoiled them with her time, and treats. She was so connected to whatever was going on in their lives whether it be their school, or friends. She showed genuine interest in what I admittedly sometimes don’t. They ask about her often. We have added photographs of mom all over the house, and tried to ensure they won’t forget her. I know we make pacts with our future selves all the time to not forget. I also know that we often let ourselves down. I know that Aubrey is truly hurting throughout all of this. She was the closest to her Nana. She doesn’t say much. She is very sullen at times, and I often discount her feelings when it comes to how tragic the loss was to her. She spent the first five years with her Nana often spending weekends with her, and numerous special moments talking together. One of the most special things mom did her final months was to go and take that big “Nana and Aubrey” trip. I know that mom wanted to plan many more of those combining two of her favorite things adventure and grandchildren. I don’t know if anyone knew how sick she was when she left for that trip last June. I know I didn’t. I was oblivious. I found out later that she knew that might be her last opportunity, and there was no way Cancer (or at that time whatever it was) was going to stop her. You read of those magical moments where a grandfather comes home from the hospital to spend one last Christmas with his family and dies the next day. Or those stories of couples dying within a day of each other because their heart has been broken, and they can’t continue this life without that other person. It’s one of the rare symmetries in this remarkable life. Love truly is what makes us different than the animals. Our capacity to connect with others and build relationships, not out of our appearances, but something much more profound then that is truly the human experience. My mother believed that love was the most powerful emotion, and could truly alter the course of someone’s life. She never gave up on that. I don’t think she ever felt hate towards another person. Some call that naive. I call it aspirational. 
2016 was a wrecking ball in my life. My children and wife look to me for strength and hope. I look to others like Don, and my sister for the same. Those relationships have enriched my soul more in the past few months than I could’ve imagined. This year has been slow to take on a theme. I search for themes in life, like art. My mother loved stories and books, and passionately craved a great story. And I am her son in so many ways, but none more than that. My hope is that this is a year of new beginnings. Mother’s days is coming up. I know that last year mom and I were making plans to meet for lunch. We met in Lexington, Virginia and had lunch that day (See picture to the Left). We brought gifts from the kids, and were entranced by illusions of normalcy given we didn’t know how special that meal would be. That was our last meal together blind to the growing intruder deep inside mom’s body. My kids ask me all the time about good and evil. Cancer is evil I now say. It’s evil in its unbiased malice, and relentless thirst to take life and kill what is loved. We enjoyed that beautiful spring day. Mom wasn’t feeling great, and couldn’t walk with us after we ate. I had no idea why. I think she did, and enjoyed that day in spite of it. We parted ways with hugs. Then my family went walking the historic downtown area. I would like to go back there this Mother’s day to remember, and reflect. Even though I am a shameless sentimental, I am also aware that her life is more than a few moments. Her imprint, and impression is all over the place. In my sisters smile and voice. In my my truly, and often hopelessly romantic view of the world. In her sister Pat’s quirky sense of humor. In Don’s personality, knowing that she had found love again in her life, and that she loved him. In my daughter Aubrey’s kind and fragile heart. In my love for good music and great song writing, both the grandiose and stripped down forms, that we both share an affinity for. In both her children’s love for travel, and seeing and experiencing different cultures and places. My mom is everywhere around me. This June, or even late May we will welcome her namesake into this world—JoElle McDaniel. We are still trying to come up with a middle name. Mom didn’t have one. So maybe, in a way, we will honor her by doing the same. 
This year has got to be better than last. I know my mom, would believe that. I hope that she is happy and feels the love of the many that have shared with me and my sister the influence that she had on them. It’s funny, to me she is just mom. But there is nothing more gratifying than hearing stories of the people that she knew outside of my purview. Like I said, she is mythic to me now. I wish all the mother’s out there a happy mother’s day. To everyone else, take the moment in and savor it because you will want to remember these moments when they are gone. I miss you mom…
