Fall is for Homecoming, wherever that is...

Fall has always been my favorite time of year.  Even as a kid, I knew that it forebode the long school year ahead and the distance from that point to the lazy days of summer.  Jennifer  cooked chili yesterday, and Aubrey made cornbread which has become a sort of ritual for us in the fall. We will eat chili at least once a week this time of year.  Starting today football is on every weekend until next year which for a Blue Devil/Panther’s fan can both make or break your weekend.  Last fall was a major life event for me.  I spent most of my weekends, and some days of the week traveling with my sister back and forth to Roanoke to visit my mother in the hospital.  I have every right to hate fall as it brings up some feelings that are better left in the past.  Somehow, I believe that it happened this way for a reason. Maybe that’s how mom wanted it? Fall is supposed to be about homecoming.  Maybe she wanted me to remember this time of year is about family, and being together.  Not just for the good times.  We need to be there for each other through both good and bad.  It’s easy to attribute everyday things like life and death with the song on the radio or the rain— because we all want to find some type of cosmic significance to our lives.

When I was just a child, I remember the little white row house that my sister, my mom, and me lived in on Raleigh Street in Martinsburg, West Virginia.  I was a young no-nothing that had a middling sense of self, zero fear of mortality, and there was nothing to me as cool as my dad.  I had this vivid imagination of what he was doing at any given time.  I told people that he flew planes, and helicopters—everything… I watched movies, movies that I probably shouldn’t have watched as an eight year-old but I did.  Movies like Top Gun and Iron Eagle, and I lived vicariously through these characters and thought my dad was probably 

doing something as cool as Chappie or Maverick.  I remember I had wanted to live with my father at one point.  I remember telling my mother that I wanted to move in with him one day.  She was heartbroken, and I remember feeling terrible asking but didn’t quite understand the significance  at the time.  This plain and commonplace word “home” had no bearing on me at the time.  Home for us was an old house, that needed a lot of work and even more after we moved out. My mother didn’t have much money.  She worked for the school system there, and had a passionate ambition for further education.  Thinking back, we never really had a sense of want in our lives. My sister and I were given every opportunity to participate in sports and scouts, and all other youth activities.  I can remember going to these games and mom sitting there on the side lines.  She was a quiet fan, but she clapped and showered us with compliments when the game was over with the loving bias of a mother. 

In our days of innocence we were entrusted with our own safety at times.  At least that is how I remember it.  I can remember 
autumn days sitting on the porch, playing in the back yard with my sister and the neighbor kids while we all waited for mom to come home from her graduate school classes. Here she was, raising two kids and going to school in the evening after working all day.  Even though,  I can’t imagine allowing my daughter to watch her siblings for a few hours.  As a kid, it was pretty neat.  I remember we would be home alone for a couple of hours while mom was at class, I think one of the neighbors would look in on us to make sure we were still alive.   We had to stay in the house or the back yard.  When it was dark or raining, we had to entertain ourselves.  We would watch movies we had recorded on VHS tapes from HBO.   We would watch a rotation of all the 80’s classics which provided my sister and I a rich education in 80’s culture and cool.  We loved those movies, and even today can share a random quote from one of them and smile knowingly.  Our little house was small, and had many problems.  I remember we used to crack the window to get the fall air to circulate through the house.  I always loved the cool air of fall, and the change of colors on the trees. I used to roam the block when mom was home. We would walk everywhere. To the grocery store. To the arcade. I used to blow my whole thirty-dollar paycheck, from delivering a local buyers-guide  door to door, at the arcade and local deli.  It’s long gone now, and replaced by some other business.  If my mom knew of some of the crazy things I used to do as a kid, she wouldn’t have been happy about it.  I was insulated by the ignorance of youth and the always safe place to land at home.  I remember mom would put so much effort into trying to cook these great meals for my sister and me.  Like most kids, we had our favorites but she insisted that we have a more advanced palette. Some meals were notably not for me then and maybe even now, but most were good.  Now that I am older, and feeling much older lately, I can’t help but try to define home.  I want a place where my kids can come back to, and show their kids, and share the fond memories of childhood.  I don’t have that really.  I don’t have a place to call home.  There’s so many great quotes filled with beautiful words to describe home not being a physical place but an emotional one.  I find some solace in that because it’s familiar.  My mom was always home to me.  Even though I had this picture of what life should be like as a kid, and how much I wanted to be my father or even someone else on any given day.  I remember being jealous of some kids that had more, and got to do more as a child and not knowing the great fortune that I had at the time in having the love of my mother.

So it’s not quite fall but it’s starting to feel like it.  The air is cooler.  The sounds of football can be heard over the tree line from the high school.  I’ve got a jacket on today even though I probably don’t need it.  I love the colors of fall, the brown and orange.  The flannel shirts, and denim jackets. Not so much the pumpkin spice…  Yet, I sit here and I can’t help but feel different.  Fall is a time for homecoming.  I yearn for home now more than ever.  Even to this day as I start to think about the home that I am creating for my children, and the vibrant memories I hope they have of Fall Saturdays with each other, and their parents I yearn for home.  It’s now been 11 months since I lost mine.  So as the leaves start to change, and start their graceful journey through the air to the ground, I will think about you.  I would give everything to be able to go home again.  

A letter about Aubrey for her Teacher

Hello Teacher,

Sorry this is late, I’ve had a busy few days.  I wanted to take a proper minute to write about Aubrey versus a rushed one.  So let me tell you about this daughter of mine. Aubrey is my first child. She has three younger siblings: Liam, Dylan, and JoElle.  She’s a great big sister.  Aubrey loves to help with the “parenting” part of maturity, but not the chores part.  She is quick to help a crying child or share words of encouragement when one of them is in need of a subtle push.  When it comes to routines and responsibilities she needs the same encouragement.  She aims to please, and hates to let other’s down.  This can bring her to tears at times.  So be aware, that Aubrey will get quiet and then shy away when she is ashamed or disappointed in herself or if she feels that from you. 

Aubrey loves to read.  She will read at the dinner table. She will read all night if we let her.  She will even read upside down, hanging from the couch.  Her favorite books have been the Babysitters Club series which her Aunt Mary gave her like one-hundred copies or so, in a big ole box. I believe she’s read over half, and she’s only had it since Christmas . Aubrey is a lot like me in the way she enjoys people but finds her energy through quiet times like reading or some other form of entertainment.  One of my dreams for her is that she will never lose the love of reading—so far so good!  Second to reading, maybe a close tie, would be her passion for nature.  Aubrey will spend an entire day watching nature shows.  She will sit back and digest it all.  She loves to learn about different animals and how they live, and what they eat.  This has evolved into a specific interest in aquatic animals.  Two summers ago I took her, and the rest of the family to see the Clear Water Aquatic Center in Florida.  This is the home of Winter the Dolphin in which the movie Dolphin Tale was based off of. Aubrey has watched that movie, and its sequel probably twenty or so times.  She has shown interest in marine biology and will tell you that’s what she would like to study and maybe have a career in one day. There are many years, and many hills to climb if she will ever get to that point but I hope that she continues to dream big about what and who she wants to be when she grows up.  So many forget that and just go where life takes them. 

Aubrey and her best friend Mia created a neighborhood organization called “The Animal club”, which is now called the Science Club or Nature Club—they’ve been going through a bit of a rebranding-.  Either way, it’s a club about animals and nature.  It’s actually something I’m pretty proud of her about.  She works with her friends to plan out each meeting, and set up a schedule. They plan snacks, activities, and a specific animal or experiment that they will be focusing on each meeting. This is all designed by them so it’s pure kids stuff.  But pretty neat nevertheless.


Some other passions are cooking and baking.  She loves to help with breakfast, or baked goods.  Aubrey is very caring and takes care of others out of a tender spot in her heart.  When her mom was sick she would make breakfast and take it to her in bed.  She will also cook and prepare food for her younger brothers, and one day her baby sister.  Aubrey has strange eating habits.  She will eat steak, and hamburgers (usually half of one).  But she doesn’t like much else in the meat category.  Maybe some chicken from time to time.  But she loves fruit. She will two to three normal servings and not look back.  I’m also pretty sure she likes junk food and candy because it doesn’t last long in the cupboard.  Her mom is a bit of a health nut, so we rarely have it.  So  in the event we do, it won’t be long for this world.


Something else to know about her is that she is a borderline hypochondriac (nothing serious) but she will tend to dramatize  bumps and bruises as a shift in fate. I don’t know why and it’s not that she is starving for attention or anything.  It is common that this type of cataclysmic event occurs right before she has some type of responsibility. So be aware of any hazards or pitfall that she might encounter when an undesirable task is at hand.  Then behold the magic of when that task has been completed or the moment has passed—she will be miraculously healed.  She does tend to be clumsy at times, and likes to play by flailing her body in different directions as if she is being propelled by some unseen force.  Other unpredictable behavior to be aware of, is the need to climb things that shouldn’t be climbed. You will at one moment be talking with her and then your attention is drawn in another direction, but when you turn back she’s gone.  Not gone, but up—somewhere.  Maybe that’s how Batman does it? The girl is a little goofy is all I’m saying.  And also precious and funny. Just beware..


She’s a night owl.  Aubrey doesn’t sleep sometimes. We have to check on her before we go to bed. She is good at acting asleep.  She might have a future one day as a sleep model.  She makes sleep look realistic and doesn’t move a hair.  I’ve been convinced many times only to find her sprawled out on the floor with a book on her face or sleeping on the couch downstairs after she binge watched some show on Netflix (not Breaking Bad or anything— just like Barbie Super friends or something).   So if she seems sleepy in class (more than other kids) let us know.  We have tried to get her on a better sleeping routine.  We have even spoken to her pediatrician about this on occasion.  

As a student you will find that her flame burns quietly.  When she’s engaged in the lesson or topic, she will be focused and driven to learn all she can.  In other areas she will become distracted.  Last year math gave her a lot of trouble.  She tends to get down on herself, or loses interest in what she is doing.  This will progress into “I can’t” and “I’ll never” be able to do this right.  She tends to wait until I get home late after a long day at work to say “hey, I need help with some math homework”.  You can imagine  my excitement relearning how to do compound fractions at 9:30 pm on a Wednesday via Youtube… So this is an area where we could use some help.  Let us know, let me know if she isn’t focusing here in class. Let us know how we can reinforce or reward improved behavior or focus here.  She won’t necessarily ask for help, so you might need to ask her and then clarify with her for understanding.  Additionally, if you have some extra-credit type work where she could do some extra math problems over the weekend send those to us and I will work with her over the weekend.  This would be a great help.  Her mom and I have spoken and even considered a math tutor for her.  So we will continue to stay close to this.  

Thanks for reading and allowing me to share some thoughts about a truly special girl.  My hope for this year is that Aubrey continues to grow confident and strong.  She’s a bright, creative, and a


thoughtful kid. She lacks confidence and needs reassurance quite often.  I want nothing more then for her to be a strong successful woman one day.  No one has let her in on the secret that she’s beautiful , even though we tell her all the time.   I can tell you this, if we had stopped with her I would have believed we achieved perfection on the first try.  I’m sure all parents feel this way but from my perspective we have achieved it.  


Thanks Again,

Ryan (Aubrey’s  Dad)

Dear Mom, We're doing alright

Dear Mom,

It’s been almost a year.  The sky’s still blue, and what goes up still goes down.  Pretty much everything else has changed.  Donald Trump is president, and you probably know how I feel about that so let’s pretend that didn’t happen…  Bill Cosby was charged and eventually acquitted of some pretty heinous stuff.  I’ve been reading a lot.  I recently picked up Pat Conroy’s posthumous book A Low Country Heart.  It’s all excerpts from letters and blogs that he wrote in his late years.  I’ve been wanting to talk to you about it.  In my simple life, my family is good and happy.  Everyones growing on schedule, and healthy which is what matters.  Aubrey is a rising fifth grader, yeah I know… She loves to read, like you.  She’s been named “Busy Bee” reader two years straight! She’s also really coming out of her shell.  Remember how she would be too shy to order her food in a restaurant?  Now she walks right up and asks.  She loves spending time with friends, and playing outside.  Her neighbor friend and her created an “Animal Club” where they organized an agenda, lessons, and snacks for a few months.  This is all borne out of her creativity and love for nature, and science.  She’s traveling to spend a week in North Carolina with her cousins and Jenn’s family.   Liam has gone through quite the transformation.  He is a better listener, and has learned to handle frustration in a more respectful way.  His lack of focus is still there but just maybe he might be good-to-go without the help of medication.  This will be a big step forward for him, and we are proud of his maturation.  I still don’t know where he inherited his lack of focus… What’s really cool is his teacher this past year, Mrs. Shelton, really connected with him.  She was in her last year of teaching and my initial thoughts were that her patience had probably worn out years ago.  She proved me wrong, and turned out to be one of those teachers that Liam will remember for a lifetime.  There’s a great video we have of him hugging her during her presentation for the end of the year, and her tearing up.  I can guarantee you would have as well.  Dylan is a remarkable little kid. He’s still small in stature but makes up for it in personality and courage.  He’s also passionate about animals and asks anyone that is in earshot “what’s your favorite animal you like?” He stays in the hip-pocket of Liam and Aubrey and wants all the same privileges bestowed upon them and their advanced age.  And of all of them, and it’s been competitive, he’s the most daddy-crazy.  He wakes up with me, collects all of his toys and joins me in the shower, and asks questions that I’m not ready to answer first thing in the morning.  Then he joins me downstairs for breakfast, or whatever I have time for before I leave for the day.  It’s both an obstacle to getting up and moving, and a blessing in that I will remember those moments for the rest of my time.  Then there's JoElle.  Well, she’s perfect.  I can’t really say much more than that.  You know me, I’m not the most infant-friendly of adults.  I’m always too worried about each cough or how warm she feels.  She just looks at me and stares.  I can’t figure out if she’s looking at me or in my direction… She’s quiet for the most part and just likes to take in the moment and hear the voices around her—usually the kids arguing about whose turn it is or giggling as they play some type of game that borders on the edge of torture and hilarity.  We are quite the family.  I never saw myself with four kids but now it just feels like this was the plan all along.  

Even after fifteen years of marriage, Jenn and I are happy.  It’s pretty amazing given the naysayers and differences in backgrounds.  I’ve found the key ingredient is respect and care for each other’s passions, concerns, and lastly an enduring love.  What’s funny about love is that you don’t even know the depth or complexity of your feelings when you’re in the fray, only when you have had time to live it and feel it.  For the ups and downs, and those moments of truth that all relationships cross at some fateful point —it’s there to catch you.  I know I didn’t know that fifteen years ago, and I’m still in awe of the connection that we have formed through experiences, four children, multiple moves, and like I said before—the vicissitudes of this life.  She’s a wonderful mother.   She adored you—as a mother, and as a grandmother to our children. One of my regrets is that she did’t get a chance to tell you one more time.  Just know that she loves you, and misses you everyday.

So here I am, thirty-nine years young and starting to feel more and more like an adult.  It takes some years to pass by to know that this life is not a guarantee, and we need to take each moment in—and try our damnedest  to live it fully.  I’ve lost thirty-five pounds since March through a more disciplined diet and moderate exercise.  I know you know that dieting isn’t fun so you can be empathetic of my journey.  What I can tell you is that it hasn’t been that hard given the alternative.  It starts with awareness.  Then I’ve used that motivate my actions every morning of everyday.  Seeing you go through what you went through, and knowing that life can be cruel and swift in its decisiveness, has been an impetus for both Mary and me to take a more healthy approach.  I don’t want to give into any sense of helplessness and take the reigns of what I can influence in my life.  This is just a first step, so I can’t rest on my laurels.  

I have sat down and decided to write something in earnest.  I’ve just crossed the twenty-thousand word threshold.  This is a big moment for me given that I have about twenty five beginnings of something, but that’s it.  I'm excited about where it’s going and wish you could be the first person to read it when I finish.  It’s about relationships, love, and what happens when people mess it all up due to some self fulfilling prophecy.  I’ve really enjoyed writing dialog and recreating these relationships that are both imaginary and somewhat drawn from real life.  You’ve provide me a rich life. One that has challenge me to put myself out there, to be confident, and to be loyal and committed in everything I’ve done. I appreciate that.  I’m so mad that you won’t be able to read it.  I know that you would be honest and supportive.  I harbor no ambitions of becoming famous, or even having it published.  Even though self-publishing is a very real thing these days.  It's for me.  I set a goal to write a novel before I turned thirty.  So here I am almost a decade late.  

I miss you.  I know that no matter what happened to you after you left this life, wherever you are, I know that you are making the best of it.  You always have, through thick and thin.  I always admired your simplicity of needs, yet passion for experiences.  Not in the daredevil, adrenaline type of experience but in the vast possibility of human kindness.  Whether it was traveling with the church, or helping a neighbor who needed help. I know that wherever the good people go, you are there telling them about the potential of others to do good.  You loved to travel and see the world. You enjoyed visiting locations that were both awe inspiring in beauty and adorned in cultural relevance which is something that you have inspired in both Mary and me.  We’ve grown significantly closer since you left.  You used to always say that you wished we would treat each other more nicely and enjoy each other’s company.  You succeeded in that vision even if it took years for us to appreciate each other’s company like we do today.  

We have the Ryan family reunion here in about two weeks. This time last year none of us truly knew what the future would look like for you.  I know that I tried to deny that it was something serious and you allowed me to do this.  Just like always, you were looking out for everyone else.  Not a selfish bone in your body.  If I could go back in time, I would have spent more time with you.  I would have visited you more often, and I would’ve called you at least once a day.  The Ryan’s will be back together in a couple of weeks.  I know that we will have fun, and laugh, drink, and get sunburnt (well at least the northerners).  I also know that every day I will take at least one moment and think about you.  You will be with us.  

Thirty-nine years… It took the death of my mom for me to grow up. I always was a momma’s boy, even though I wouldn’t admit it.  

Eternal Love and Gratitude,

Ryan

The never-ending Healthcare debate (my perspective)

The American Healthcare Act is a trojan horse.  It’s snake oil sold by the one of the greatest salesman of the last century.  Just being straight forward here, I am not in support of much of anything that the Trump administration has put forward in the last 100 days.  Especially this concept of freedom from government oppression—otherwise known as the Affordable Care Act.  Aka Obamacare.  This bill is nothing more than a tax cut for the wealthy under the guise of giving voters what they want— “Repeal and Replace”. I know that some of you reading this are getting ready to minimize this window, or close out the app.  Proceed if you will.  In the event you are still reading, I’d appreciate your patience in waiting until the end of this exercise in courage and free thought.  

For the last decade or so, we’ve been divided in many ways.  So at odds, that to even concede any agreement with the other side is seen as treasonous.  We all have had these moments when a loved, or respected one says something so damn wrong or misinformed, and we just sit their silently and take it.  There’s the problem right?  We are all misinformed by our own bias and alliances and refuse to listen to the other perspective. Fake news and such… So I’m going to not speak in quotes or “facts” because that is useless in the modern debate.  I will just think out loud and see where that takes us.

We are all good, to some extent.  There are signs of this everyday.  Good samaritans helping the stranded.  Go Fund Me campaigns to support the sick and needy.  The problem with the Great American Healthcare debate is that it has been coopted as an argument of individual liberties.  We’ve shed our humanity, and quite frankly our American way.  What I hear so often are two arguments from the anti-healthcare lot.  I am going to break these down quickly.

One is that Healthcare has always been there for the sick and poor in the form of the Emergency Room.  It has all been said before by the left, so I will not bore you with the reasons that this is backwards.  I will share why this isn’t practical in terms of how it impacts day to day life.  First of all, the middle class doesn’t want to dodge their bills.  Any hard working person doesn’t want to be a liability or a freeloader.  Often a parent will bypass their checkup, or fight through pain and suffering due to the fact that they know that the bill will be large, and that every cent of their paycheck is allocated to their power bill, or car payment.  I’ve personally been there where I will not go to the doctor to get a sore spot on my foot looked at because I can just manage the pain.  Now we are all weak when it comes to our loved ones.  We opt not to buy the inhaler in hopes that the cough deep in our lungs will work itself out.  Or we wait to the next paycheck to buy it.  When your child has a deep cough, or your spouse has a high fever— in these moments we are willing to pay the bill.  It is often here when we can’t afford the high cost yet we pay.  Now, the impoverished and truly poor have Medicaid.  Medicaid provides them childcare for their children and will pay for that hospital stay or expensive prescription.  Even those “illegals” that have an open wound or broken bone won’t get turned away at the emergency room.  Call me what you want, I don't think in a civilized society that sick people should ever be turned away.  The more sophisticated debaters on the pro-healthcare-for-all-side will share with you that this is not cost effective. The more flu-inflicted and less “emergency” type situations that visit the Emergency Room the more cost goes up, and will likely be paid by some type of government relief or be absorbed by those that are paying the bills. This is the argument that many anti believers have subscribed to because it makes them feel  better. This is the “If they need healthcare, they can get it…” argument.  Even though this logic doesn’t hold up and is counter to what so many hardworking Americans would actually do when it comes to what ails them.  We push through, and persevere— even when our body is trying to tell us something sinister lies beneath the surface

The less humanitarian approach is to think about the dollar side of it completely.  It’s a cold approach to how a government should be run, and what a government is responsible for.  I really have trouble understanding this group.  They will throw the constitution at you and try to find the most pedantic argument at you to shut you down.  It is their belief that Government is responsible for staying out of our way, and at the most— protect us from threats foreign and domestic.  To them, any government program is a failed program.  I’m not going to go down that rabbit hole.  When I think of public health, and the potential threats that can potentially spin out of control I only have to look at history to see there were instances where we needed more funding or research that would have saved more lives.  I get it, can our universities and privately funded grants provide some of this research? Sure… I just hope that when history looks back at this time in our lives, those scholars can say we did the right thing. As one of the only civilized societies that doesn’t have government funded healthcare, our decisions (our votes) will be how we are defined.  This mentality that we are all in this on our own, and for those that can’t afford quality healthcare (or any for that matter) are unmotivated and unworthy is a moral decision.  There is so much government waste, and so much redundancy and lack of scruples in the positions of power (under both parties) that it’s sad to think that there are children that wont receive the treatment they deserve.  Their is the single mother that bypasses her annual checkup and fosters her kids before they have a chance to really get to know the sacrifices she made so they could live a normal life up to that point.  For every anecdote there is one for the other side, so I will stop. 

I’ve faced great moral conundrums in my time.  We all have.  Sometimes they aren’t so obvious, we just live through it and act accordingly.  These defining moments echo throughout our lives.  There should be a congruency between our actions and our values.  And when there is not, here comes the guilt.  This should only happen from time to time. Seldom moments that we all wish we could have back.  That fleeting sequence in time where we should’ve stood up for our friend when confronted by a blatant lie. When our pride gets in the way, and we couldn't be honest and admit our failure. In that instance when we were confronted with a wayward opinion, and we didn’t say anything in the spirit of cooperation.  We have all been there, and that is okay.  The truth that I ground myself in is that almost everyone that is making the decision has no risk of losing their great- healthcare.  I have always had healthcare insurance.  Not always the greatest, but there.  My kids, and family have always had that safety net in the event that arms were broken, or they were sick.  I will most likely always had some form of healthcare. In fact, mine will be better than a lot of people that I know and interact with everyday.  Yet, I could stand to lose it if we screw this up.  So for those of us that are able to vote, or speak up— we should.  For those that have the power to cast a vote in our government it is a  moral decision, not a financial decision.  For those of that are affected by this vote, it will be a financial decision- or already is… Do we pay for that checkup, or medicine? Or do we continue to play Russian Roulette with our lives, and our families?  I ask that you listen to your congressman, or senator and hear what he is saying. Because he’s not talking about his healthcare, or what might impact his family.  He doesn’t live your life, he has healthcare insurance.  

Like I wrote before, congruency in our words and actions matter.  It’s easy to take the principled argument of your father, or well respected role model and say that in theory we should all work for everything we get… That is well principled. In fact, I live by that code.  I don’t believe in handouts.  But life and pursuit of happiness is not a handout.  The life of your children is not a handout.  It’s a right in the greatest country in the world.  So many of us watch our 401k grow at a nominal amount each year, and we are satisfied with that.  We scratch by to find money for a birthday gift that our kid wants, but we can’t really afford.  We make choices that affect our credit rating and take risks with our money in hopes that a check will clear.  This is the life of so many of us, and yet we are not congruent.  Some of us even receive handouts from taxpayer funds, yet we don’t see the hypocrisy in it.  It’s different right…I don’t say that to be rude, I say that because it’s okay to need help.  That is normal.

So, what will it be?  Do we allow the snake oil salesman to tell us that we should abandon this idea that our children deserve healthcare?  That we don’t deserve the right to see one of America’s great doctors that may or may not have been subsidized to get their license to practice through scholarships and grants?  It’s not easy. Like the president said, he didn’t know it was this complicated.  I’m not saying that what we have is great, or even good.  Let’s put the politics aside and fix it versus blow it up and go back to the good ole days when insurance companies can take your monthly payment yet turn you away when you really need it… We are better than this.  

Mother's Day 2017- Moms can be mythic. Mine is...

It’s been almost 7 months since Jo Ellen Ryan, my wonderful mother shed her human skin and transcended life on this spec in the universe.  I, unlike many people I care about, am not certain of much.  Especially what happens after we leave earth.  I find myself constantly doubting what is and isn’t.  I do know that she has taken on a new mythic like role in my life.  All mother’s have that ability on sons and daughters.  Her imprint on me is both visible and deeply buried in my psyche. I imagine it’s that way for others, we are just unaware of this feeling for most of our lives.  Until it is often too late.  

I often think about her, and what she would be doing right this moment if it wasn’t for cancer.  I know this time last year she was just starting to enjoy her new life with her husband Don. They lived the best kind of life— an uncomplicated one.  One that was full of quiet moments together, talking and getting to know each other.  Sharing stories of their lives and how it formed the world weary adults they grew to become. They shared politics, and views on how people should both take responsibility for themselves as well as how we should all take care of each other. I doubt they talked much of religion but they had a deep abiding respect for each others views.  I imagine today they would have went to get breakfast together or lunch, at one of their favorite restaurants.  Mom was adventurous about trying new things, and seeing unique places.  I know they would be out enjoying this weather, and taking in the day savoring each moment like a sip of a fine red wine.  Don has become a part of our family, and us his.  That is one of the good things to come out of all of this.  My children have really grown close to him, and interact with him as if they’ve always known him.  My heart is imbued with sadness for him.  I can’t imagine losing a person that was so instrumental in my day-to-day life as he has.  We are all sad, and affected by this year and what she had to go through in her last breathing moments.  I imagine his pain is much different.  I hope he knows that he doesn’t have to be lonely, and that just like his blood family we think about him everyday and look forward to our next day together.  

The way my life has changed is hard to say.  In some ways, life just goes on.  We are all here for a ride, sometimes it’s bumpy.  On many days it’s slow and routine. I have wondered what my loved ones would do when I died.  I’m sure they would be sad.  There’s no doubt.  I wouldn’t surround myself with people that didn’t feel that way about me.  However, after a few days or weeks, life would go on.  I guess that is what we would want for them right.  We want to have a legacy, and enrich the lives of all that we have come in contact with in some form or fashion.  I know that is what she wanted.  I would never have characterized my mother as brave for most of her life.  My opinion was forever changed after this year.  Those final days were full of hope, and then stark realizations that we have very little influence on what happens and what doesn’t.  It was truly a trying moment for the soul.  My sister and I grew closer in those days.  I know that made mom happy.  Even when she wasn’t coherent in her thoughts, and words, I know that she was thankful for the life she had lived, and the grace that she had been given.  If she was angry, I didn’t know.  She was always happy to see us, and deeply resolute in where she was headed.  Even when no one was sure what the next day looked like, she was okay with that.  

Aubrey, Liam, and Dylan lost their “Nana”.  I know that is a tragedy.  Mom was a great, Grandmother.  She spoiled them with her time, and treats.  She was so connected to whatever was going on in their lives whether it be their school, or friends.  She showed genuine interest in what I admittedly sometimes don’t. They ask about her often.  We have added photographs of mom all over the house, and tried to ensure they won’t forget her.  I know we make pacts with our future selves all the time to not forget.  I also know that we often let ourselves down. I know that Aubrey is truly hurting throughout all of this.  She was the closest to her Nana.  She doesn’t say much.  She is  very sullen at times, and I often discount her feelings when it comes to how tragic the loss was to her.  She spent the first five years with her Nana often spending weekends with her, and numerous special moments talking together.  One of the most special things mom did her final months was to go and take that big “Nana and Aubrey” trip.  I know that mom wanted to plan many more of those combining two of her favorite things adventure and grandchildren.  I don’t know if anyone knew how sick she was when she left for that trip last June.  I know I didn’t.  I was oblivious. I found out later that she knew that might be her last opportunity, and there was no way Cancer (or at that time whatever it was) was going to stop her.  You read of those magical moments where a grandfather comes home from the hospital to spend one last Christmas with his family and dies the next day. Or those stories of couples dying within a day of each other because their heart has been broken, and they can’t continue this life without that other person.  It’s one of the rare symmetries in this remarkable life.  Love truly is what makes us different than the animals.  Our capacity to connect with others and build relationships, not out of our appearances, but something much more profound then that is truly the human experience.  My mother believed that love was the most powerful emotion, and could truly alter the course of someone’s life.  She never gave up on that.  I don’t think she ever felt hate towards another person.  Some call that naive.  I call it aspirational.  

2016 was a wrecking ball in my life.  My children and wife look to me for strength and hope.  I look to others like Don, and my sister for the same.  Those relationships have enriched my soul more in the past few months than I could’ve imagined.  This year has been slow to take on a theme.  I search for themes in life, like art. My mother loved stories and books, and passionately craved a great story.  And I am her son in so many ways, but none more than that.  My hope is that this is a year of new beginnings.  Mother’s days is coming up.  I know that last year mom and I were making plans to meet for lunch.  We met in Lexington, Virginia and had lunch that day (See picture to the Left). We brought gifts from the kids, and were entranced by illusions of normalcy given we didn’t know how special that meal would be. That was our last meal together blind to the growing intruder deep inside mom’s body.  My kids ask me all the time about good and evil.  Cancer is evil I now say.  It’s evil in its unbiased malice, and relentless thirst to take life and kill what is loved.  We enjoyed that beautiful spring day.  Mom wasn’t feeling great, and couldn’t walk with us after we ate.  I had no idea why. I think she did, and enjoyed that day in spite of it. We parted ways with hugs.  Then my family went walking the historic downtown area. I would like to go back there this Mother’s day to remember, and reflect.  Even though I am a shameless sentimental, I am also aware that her life is more than a few moments.  Her imprint, and impression is all over the place. In my sisters smile and voice.  In my my truly, and often hopelessly romantic view of the world.  In her sister Pat’s quirky sense of humor.  In Don’s personality, knowing that she had found love again in her life, and that she loved him.  In my daughter Aubrey’s kind and fragile heart.  In my love for good music and great song writing, both the grandiose and stripped down forms, that we both share an affinity for.  In both her children’s love for travel, and seeing and experiencing different cultures and places. My mom is everywhere around me.  This June, or even late May we will welcome her namesake into this world—JoElle McDaniel.  We are still trying to come up with a middle name.  Mom didn’t have one.  So maybe, in a way, we will honor her by doing the same.  

This year has got to be better than last.  I know my mom, would believe that.  I hope that she is happy and feels the love of the many that have shared with me and my sister the influence that she had on them.  It’s funny, to me she is just mom.  But there is nothing more gratifying than hearing stories of the people that she knew outside of my purview.  Like I said, she is mythic to me now.  I wish all the mother’s out there a happy mother’s day.  To everyone else, take the moment in and savor it because you will want to remember these moments when they are gone.  I miss you mom…